Season of Motherhood - Somewhere Else

Wintering

“There are gaps in the mesh of the everyday world, and sometimes they open up and you fall through them into Somewhere Else. Somewhere Else runs at a different pace to the here and now, where everyone else carries on. Somewhere Else is where ghosts live, concealed from view and only glimpsed by people in the real world. Somewhere Else exists at a delay, so that you can’t quite keep pace. Perhaps I was already teetering on the brink of Somewhere Else anyway; but now I fell through, as simply and discreetly as dust sifting between the floorboards.”

~ extract from the book Wintering, by Katherine May

Somewhere Else is a terribly painful place to be, but also a humblingly beautiful one in it’s own strange way. Somewhere Else has brought us to our knees, but also to our best selves as parents, as partners, as siblings… as family. Somewhere Else has shown me some of the noblest souls, young and old, that I have ever encountered. Somewhere Else is a constant reminder to notice everything around me with humbling gratitude. And yet, how easy it is to forget that lesson, and to need to be taught it all over again, and again, and again.

Now, as the first snowdrops begin to emerge from the sleepy winter soil, we begin to catch a glimpse of a possible end to this long Winter of ours, the possibility of the first signs of Spring. Spring will come with it’s own new set of challenges, no doubt, but it is a comfort in itself just to feel the warmth of it coming. I know that Somewhere Else is a place that will always be a part of me now, a part of you, a part of us. It’s wise teachings will forever remain with us, though I also know, of course, that we will need to be reminded of them again, and again, and again.

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Season of Motherhood is part of the Artifact Motherhood project, just one image and a small snippet of what this season of motherhood looks like for each one of us. 

Artifact Motherhood is a collaboration of female artists from around the world, coming together to share our stories of the joys and struggles in our journeys of motherhood through our writings and our photographs.

At the end of this article, you will find a link to the next artist and her take on motherhood in this season. You will be able to follow the blog loop from one artist to the next until you return full circle back to me.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood, you can follow this link.

You can also see my last post for this project here.

Please go to the next wonderful artist Leila Balin to see her take on motherhood this month.

The Blue Pyjamas

You know how every once in a while, there’s an item of clothing your kids live in so much, that it almost becomes a part of them? It almost represents them at this particular stage of their life? For some reason they must feel so comfy in them, safe and secure, they just feel “at home” when they wear it. For Mateo that item is his blue pyjamas. A gift from his grandparents to his older brother years ago, they have been worn and loved, and now he has made them his own. I feel these pyjamas have accompanied him and brought him a sense of comfort and familiarity through so much change and disruption to his normal routine.

He is coming up to 6 months of chemotherapy, 6 months which have passed as slowly and painfully as drops of water squeezing through a faulty tap for me, but which he has taken in his stride. He is well, he is still smiling, when he plays he plays full on, and when he needs to rest he lies down, preferably piled on top of Mummy or Daddy on the sofa! We have learned to follow his cues and ‘join the flow’ with him, sometimes he might be feeling some nausea, sometimes his skin becomes really dry and itchy, sometimes his port becomes red and swollen, sometimes we don’t really know what he’s feeling as he doesn’t speak much yet, so when he plays we play, and when he lies we lie with him…. taking it one day at a time.

But coming back to the blue pyjamas, as everything flows and comes and goes in life, he is starting to grow out of them…. For me they will forever be a reminder of how little he is, and what a big challenge he’s had to face already in his life. I’ve decided that when he eventually grows out of them I’ll keep them folded up in a little corner of one of my own clothes drawers. A reminder of all the terribly big things this tiny little boy will eventually overcome, in his tiny blue pyjamas…

One day I will show him, and tell him all about it….

Artifact motherhood is a collaboration of artists and mothers from around the world. Sharing stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Our hopes and dreams for our children. With little nuggets of wisdom here and there. These are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifact we are leaving behind for children and the generations to come. Continuing the blog circle, next up is my wonderful friend Hollie.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood please visit our website.

The Beginning of our Journey to Climb a Mountain

Season of Motherhood

Season of Motherhood is part of the Artifact Motherhood project, a small snippet of what this season of motherhood looks like for each one of us. 

Artifact Motherhood is a collaboration of female artists from around the world, coming together to share our stories of the joys and struggles in our journeys of motherhood through our writings and our photographs.

At the end of this article, you will find a link to the next artist and her take on motherhood in this season. You will be able to follow the blog loop from one artist to the next until you return full circle back to me.

Sometimes we find ourselves, suddenly and unexpectedly, on a path we never expected to find ourselves on. A journey that shakes us to our core, and puts everything else into perspective.

As a mother, at first I was unable to tell this story, I wasn’t even physically able to utter the words out loud. I didn’t know how to begin to live this story as it unfolded, but in the words of Rumi; “as you begin to walk on the way, the way appears.”

Our family has begun to walk on a difficult path in the last few weeks, a path to accompany and support our little boy on a journey of perseverance and endurance. We are going to climb this mountain all together as a family, giving each other the strength we need, optimism, positivity and as much joy as we can along the way.

Our little boy Mateo has been diagnosed with a very rare illness of the immune system called LCH, an illness that thankfully all the doctors tell us is highly treatable with the correct medication, an illness however that is a very rare form of childhood cancer.

The first time I heard those words, sitting alone in an oncologist’s office (due to Covid), as a mother, my whole world turned dark, my heart shattered into a million pieces, aching for my son. My strength failed me, I had to hold onto the arms of the chair to steady myself. My stomach flipped in my belly, my heart stopped beating, my body was shaking, time stood still all around me, I could not believe this was happening to our little boy.

Gradually, I tuned in again to what the doctor was saying. “His case is highly treatable with a course of chemotherapy and steroids…”

“His case is highly treatable…. his case is highly treatable…” Those words spun around in my head. Those were the only words that mattered to me at that moment.

Those are the words and the hope we all hold onto as a family. Those are the words that push us forward with optimism and joy every single morning when we wake up.

Mateo has started chemotherapy now, and he is doing amazingly well with it all. He is one tough, resilient and joyful cookie. Even so, my heart breaks for him every time we have to go through with a session, but I have learnt that our children have the ability to push us in unimaginable ways, to dig up courage from where we didn’t even know we had it, to step up and be the people they need us to be for them. As parents we never thought we could bear such immense heartbreak, but we can do it for him, with a smile on our faces, holding him tight and singing cheerful songs to him throughout all the procedures and medications that need to be administered….

Some days are harder than others, but all the days are part of this journey we’ll be walking together as a family. All days are made up of a whole lot of love, joy and laughter, and some tears shed in-between.

I know at the end of all this, we’ll complete our long hike. In a year or so, maybe a little bit longer, the five of us will sit at the top of that mountain and we’ll look out at the great views on the other side. Then, we will also look back behind us, and see the great strength we built on the way up and how deeply we grew together as we climbed. This is for you Mateo, we will hold you tight through every single step of the way.

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Thank you for reading this difficult part of our family’s story. Please go next to the wonderful artist Hollie Stokes to see her take on motherhood this month.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood, you can follow this link. You can also see my last post for this project here.

Season of Motherhood

Season of Motherhood is part of the Artifact Motherhood project, just one image and a small snippet of what this season of motherhood looks like for each one of us. 

Artifact Motherhood is a collaboration of female artists from around the world, coming together to share our stories of the joys and struggles in our journeys of motherhood through our writings and our photographs.

At the end of this article, you will find a link to the next artist and her take on motherhood in this season. You will be able to follow the blog loop from one artist to the next until you return full circle back to me.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood, you can follow this link.

You can also see my last post for this project here.

Beauty in the Juggle

All the balls are suspended in mid air, most of them at least, most of the time.

If one falls every so often, or even more than one, or even quite often,

remember that is ok.

Remember you can just pick it back up,

and start again where you left off.

There is beauty and humility in the process.

There is beauty and humility in this juggle that is Motherhood.

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Go next to the wonderful artist Kirsty Larmour to see her take on motherhood this month.

Summer in Semi-Lockdown

Finally we can let the summer begin, after this crazy, crazy year….

And so we stepped out into a much longed for freedom….

If we hadn’t spent enough time spinning in circles around each other this year, this is the summer she became hula-hoop obsessed…. !

Every summer they rediscover their ability to be like fish in the water, 24/7 with friends and family, how we missed that!

Working from home means working from anywhere in the world, what a privilege that is indeed to continue being able to spend so much time together as a family, another good thing to come from these crazy times….

And more hula hoopin’….

It feels like we’ve left behind for a while at least, that powerful rollercoaster of lockdown emotions all confined in a small city space, homeschooling demands have been swapped out for that blissful summer life with no schedules at all…. Life passes more slowly here, and it’s a beauty to just enjoy living it as it passes….

Sometimes I simply feel depleted for words, these last few months have exhausted me both mentally and physically, not in a bad sense, but in the sense that all my energy has gone into living this time fully with my family. So here hopefully is where my photographs will be able to speak more than the words I am able to express right now. One thing I’m determined to do this year is to make an album of our visual diary in lockdown and in semi-lockdown summer. Here are just a few, a little taster of our life these days…

Artifact motherhood is a collaboration of artists and mothers from around the world. Sharing stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Our hopes and dreams for our children. With little nuggets of wisdom here and there. These are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifact we are leaving behind for children and the generations to come. Continuing the blog circle, next up is my wonderful friend Caro.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood please visit our website.

Artifact Motherhood: The Paradoxes of a Pandemia...

To my children,

These are the strangest of times, they feel like a dream to me, sometimes a nightmare, fortunately we are all healthy and safe. To me these days hold so many paradoxes, so many opposing realities, they feel like extreme closeness to you three and to your Dad, and at the same time extreme distance from everyone else we care about… extreme closeness in our common humanity with the rest of the planet living through this surreal time, at the same time as extreme physical distance from friends and neighbours as we say “How are you?” from 2m away, or from across a screen…

I’ve been trying to compile a diary of sorts, it’s a real mixed bag of phone and camera photographs. My only aim was to capture a small piece of beauty each day, that we could be thankful for despite everything going on.

I can’t help but wonder what these days will feel like to you or how you will remember them. Although you more or less understand what’s going on, and you know we are trying our best to help our grandparents, to talk to them often, to help our elderly neighbours, to help drawing pictures for those who are sick, donating food for those who are less fortunate than us, clapping for all the NHS doctors and nurses who are risking their lives to help the sick people….

I think that mostly you will remember this as that time that we spent soooooo much time together as a family, and you have all embraced that with all your hearts! Never have we shared so many meal-times and playtimes, exercise times and quiet times, bath times, nap-times, even FaceTimes…. 

I do wonder sometimes how it has taken all of this to happen, for us to really embrace the value of thoughtful human connection, precisely now that it has been largely taken away from us…. yet another paradox of these times.

Learning to think about others, sending a face mask to Grandma because there are none left in Spain...

My musical one, you are always at the piano, for hours a day…!

My daydreamer, we are grateful for all the stories and magical adventures you create in your head!

And the joy of the house!

Love is to all pile up on the same corner of the sofa to watch a movie…

Artifact motherhood is a collaboration of artists and mothers from around the world. Sharing stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Our hopes and dreams for our children. With little nuggets of wisdom here and there. These are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifact we are leaving behind for children and the generations to come. Continuing the blog circle, next up is my wonderful friend Caro.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood please visit our website.

The Winds of Change

I’ve been feeling the winds of change lately, I can feel the change coming, but I still don’t know in which direction it’s going to take me. I’ve been talking less, I’ve been feeling more, I’ve been photographing less, I’ve been observing more, I’ve been looking outward less, I’ve been looking inwards more.

Lately I’ve been feeling that I can’t truly express our lives and how I feel in just one image, it just doesn’t feel like I can do it the full justice, cover the full spectrum of emotions that way. Perhaps it’s a reflection of my own insides shifting, growing in layers of complexity, criss-crossed feelings and trying to meet so many emotional needs at once. There are so many layers to every moment, so much chaos, so much love bursting through the seams, frustrations and tears counteracted with boundless joy and laughter, the feeling we need to be constantly on the go balanced by the natural slowness of a young family that reminds me to just be, wherever we are, right now. How do you fit that all into one photograph at a time? Where do you even begin?

So for now, I decided to begin where I am at present, with a small slice of the layers that make up our days…. open to wherever these winds of change might take me.

Because you see, dear children, I think it’s important for you to know that nothing is ever as straightforward as it may seem in just one photograph. Even as adults, especially as adults, we don’t have it all figured out. We try, really hard, to be an example to you, but at the same time we’re constantly figuring out our own path, even multiple paths at once! I want you to know that is ok, even more than ok, it’s a good thing, because it means we’re still growing.

C x

Artifact motherhood is a collaboration of artists and mothers from around the world. Sharing stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Our hopes and dreams for our children. With little nuggets of wisdom here and there. These are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifact we are leaving behind for children and the generations to come. Continuing the blog circle, next up is my wonderful friend Hollie.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood please visit our website.

Life with three kids...

I was just thinking a couple of weeks ago how lucky we were that nobody had been sick this winter, everything around baby M’s birth and first few months had run so smoothly…..

Then of course, disaster struck!

In the space of 10 days we’ve had one serious head injury requiring internal and external stitches under general anaesthetic. Our little boy is going to be a true mini Harry Potter now with the glasses, the scar and all…. a confidence building scar as my husband calls it, don’t worry this will only build his confidence in life! I hope so! That was the scariest part of all, then, following those worrying couple of days in hospital little E was hit with the dreaded stomach flu, I also caught it of course after holding her through a night of throwing up, and am currently battling my way through it, whilst breastfeeding.… A is on his way down as I can see he’s not feeling well this afternoon either. We’ve also had a case of worms, and nits in the midst of all this…! Oh, did I also mention I have a really important work deadline coming up next week… yes, it always seems to be the way! When it rains, it pours!

The good thing about being a third time mum is that you take these things in a much more philosophical way than before. At the end of the day they are just superficial ailments, no true harm done, just one of those seasons of life you need to buckle up and get through.

In the cracks of time I’ve been trying to get some photos of my three littles together…. by far the hardest thing to get them all willingly in the frame! But I’m thankful I’ve managed to get a few over the last couple of months.

All in all, we can only count our blessings, it’s such a blessing to have a healthy baby in the house and overall 3 siblings! I leave you with a little blessing that has stuck with me since baby M was born, he has brought more love and kindness into our home than I thought we ever had space for….

As I enter my new family,

May they be delighted

At how their kindness

Comes into blossom.

Unknown to me and them,

May I be exactly the one

To restore in their forlorn places

New vitality and promise.

May the hearts of others

Hear again the music

In the lost echoes

Of their neglected wonder.

If my destiny is sheltered,

May the grace of this privelege

Reach and bless the other infants

Who are destined for torn places.

{…}

~ John O’Donohue

Artifact motherhood is a collaboration of artists and mothers from around the world. Sharing stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Our hopes and dreams for our children. With little nuggets of wisdom here and there. These are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifact we are leaving behind for children and the generations to come. Continuing the blog circle, next up is my wonderful friend Abigail.

To learn more about Artifact Motherhood please visit our website.